On to Sloan-Kettering

We wasted no time after the diagnosis was confirmed.  That was a Wednesday, my sister Patricia filled out an application for Sloan-Kettering that night.  They called me that Friday, I had an appointment for the very next Tuesday, and I started chemotherapy the following Monday.  Wow, did things move fast!  But that is the best way.

My doctor, Dr. M, is very wonderful.  When he examined me he told me that I do not present like a Hodgkin's patient.  I had no swollen lymph nodes, no fevers, no night sweats, no dry skin....  He said that my doctors did everything as they were supposed to and not to think about "would have, should have, could have."  Still, I wonder what would have happend if I went to the doctor when my cough first started.  But why would an otherwise healthy 36 year old get so excited over a cough?

After being examined by him and having blood work work done, he told us that it was stage 4 Hodgkins.  It had spread to my lungs and that automatically puts me in stage 4.  Still, I have been told stage 4 Hodgins is better than stage 1 of other cancers.  He was going to make me repeat my CT scan and have a PET scan.  That very day I had a bone marrow biopsy on both sides of my pelvis.  It was painful but not as bad as I anticipated.  I believe I had a very good person doing the biopsy.  The worst was that I was extremely dizzy after the procedure.  I thank God every day that it did not spread to my bone marrow. 

But what I didn't know at the time was that everyone assumed that it had spread already because of my bloodwork.  I had 4 out of 7 risk factors in my blood.  Dr. M knew that day that I needed to start what is the most intense chemotherapy for Hodgkin's-an escalated BEACOPP.  It is not a protocal that he gives out lightly.  This scared the crap out of me.  I went in thinking that I have the "good cancer" a few weeks of chemo and it'll all be over.  I left thinking that I had the worst case of Hodgkins ever, and I am in the small number of people who die from this one.  I cried all the way home in the car.  When I get like this, I have to have my pity party.  I cried everyday and woke up each moring wondering if I would ever be able to smile again.  I was angry and depressed, which I am sure is very normal.  Patricia offered to prescribe something for my mood.  I told Steve that if I didn't bounce back in a few weeks, I would definitely be open to that.  I've been through other heartaches without needing drugs and I wanted to see first if it was really neccessary.  I did bounce back and have not needed to take anything-not that I would tell anyone else that my way is the right way for them.  If there is anytime to take such a drug, this is it.  I am very blessed to have the support system that I have.  When I am going through a tough time like this, Steve gets the brunt of my moods.  He knows that I just need to go through it and there is no snapping me out of it.  He is always there with hugs, encouragement, and unconditional love.  Being married is easy when you don't have to put the wedding vows to the test.  But we have been tested over and over many times throughout our 13 year marriage (by circumstances beyond our control) and we always come out stronger and closer.  So you see how lucky I am?  Part of my being able to get through this is to focus on my blessings.

 

The Monday that I started chemotherapy, Dr. M had the test results back.  He told me that even though I was stage 4 the scans were not too bad and the bone marrow biopsy was normal.  I think he actually said that I am the best of the worst.  He also told me that the other people who went through this were much older than me and they are all doing fine.  Yes!  Hope!  I am going to live!  (Well nobody knows when their time is up, but I wasn't handed a death sentence.) 

I thought of a Hermann's Hermitts song that I like and would always sing to myself that applies here:

This door swings both ways
Lets in earth and sky
Make the most of livin'
If you're not prepared to die!