My Wish for All in 2007
May peace break into your hearts and may thieves come to steal your debt. May you find love and may laughter assault your lips. May happiness find you always and may you only cry tears of joy. May the problems you had forget your address. May you be healthy and strong. And may 2007 be the best year of your life!
Happy New Year!
Tonight, my cousins from Sicily were to arrive for the Christmas holiday. They missed their connecting flight in London so we won't see them until tomorrow night.:( But that is not what I am writing about tonight. I want to share an experience that I had while I was in Sicily.
We spent some time in the town that my grandparents came from, Geraci Siculo. My cousins actually own the home where my grandmother lived as a young girl. Anyway, there is a church there called the Church of the Crucifix. There is such an amazing, life-like crucifix in that church. When I became sick, my cousin Pina made a promise to Jesus in that church. She prayed that if I should recover and return to Geraci someday that she would walk barefoot through town and present flowers to the crucified Jesus. So our first day there, that is what we did. Pina walked, in socks only, praying the whole time. We kneeled before the cross while she gave thanks to Jesus for my recovery and for my being there with them. We each placed lilies in a vase on the alter. When I turned around, there was not a dry eye to be found.
Wow, what a beautiful and moving experience this was for me! The power of prayer.
Today, Steve brought home an article from a newspaper about cancer survivors and how it affected their outlook on life. This study showed that most survivors feel that cancer changed their life and in most cases for the better. Most survivors feel stronger, have a new appreciation for life, and are driven to help others with the disease. I found it so interesting because that is how my cancer affected me. Amazing how so much good can come from something so terrible! My wish is that people who know my story and read my journal learn what I have learned from having this disease through my experiences.
When I was first diagnosed, my parent's doctor told them that in a year or two I would forget I ever had cancer. That was a silly thing to say! There is not a day that goes by when I do not think about it. I must admit that on rare occasions it makes me sad to remember all that I have been through. But usually it is with happiness that I remember this experience because of the new life it has given me. And I always look back with thanks for the gift of my life and for everyone who helped me through this time.
I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my lymphoma oncologist. It was the follow-up to my September appointment when all my numbers were low. The hemoglobin came up to a low normal. My white count and platelets are still a little lower than normal. He has me taking vitamins which may help them to improve.
He asked me how I feel and if I get out of breath. I told him that I feel great and that the other day I ran up to the second floor to pick up my class. When I got to the top I realized that I wasn't even winded. He said that is great and that I look better than he has ever seen me so he is very happy. My next test will be a CT scan in early January. So this was all good news and I am very happy.
The staff of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society did a wonderful job with this event. It was both fun and moving. Supporters carry red balloons and survivors carry white ones. I was even given a special shirt with survivor printed on back which I wore with pride. Because I am in the "bright lights club" (for those who raise over $1,000) I had access to a special tent with extra goodies. One of the perks was that a man gave me a massage which was very nice! All in all, it was a happy evening and a great way of celebrating being one year post treatment.
Hi Everyone!
I am beginning my fundraising campaign for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Light the Night Walk this year. Please visit my home page to see how you can sponsor me:
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnWestfi/Jackiepie06
The walk is October 7th in Brookdale Park. It starts around five o'clock. Come out and walk with "Team Jackiepie!"
No donation is too small!
My friend Lindsey needs a bone marrow transplant. You may be the one to help.
When I was in Sloan-Kettering last year, I met a girl on my birthday while doing crafts that day. Needless to say, I was not so happy to be there on my birthday, but she was the kind of person who can cheer you up with her smile. We have stayed in touch over the past year and I just found out she had a relapse. Lindsey is a 26-year-old law student in New York City. She's a Native New Yorker and graduate of the University of Maryland . Just 2 classes and a paper shy of graduating with her JD, Lindsey took a leave of absence from school in May 2005 to battle leukemia. She recently learned that she needs a bone marrow transplant to get better, and her family and friends are going to search until she finds a match.
Please go to her website and read what it is all about.
It has been a while since I have written about St. Therese. Anyone who has been to my home knows that Steve is an excellent gardener. But for some reason he has not had much success with roses. If you go back to my earlier journal entries, I explained that last summer we had so many roses growing in our garden for the first time ever. And, St. Therese is known for her miracles through her "shower of roses".
I was very excited when our first rose bloomed this year. I was sure that again we would have beautiful roses all summer long like last year. Unfortunately, our rose bushes are back to the way they were before last summer. They produced a few roses in the beginning of the season, and now they are pretty much bare. We get a rose here and there, but nothing compared to last summer. Those two little bushes that surprised us last year did not produce any roses.
Yes, I am sad that there are not as many roses as last year. But it actually makes me believe in the "shower of roses" even more. Is it just a coincidence that the year that I most needed a miracle and spiritual comfort, my yard was full of roses? I don't think so. I was not looking for it, it found me.
Here is a picture of the first, and one of the few roses, in my garden this year. It is a perfect rose, and when it bloomed I just had to take a picture of it. I believe that it is a reminder to me that St. Therese is still looking out for me. But I am now strong in every way and I don't need as many roses as last year. And God always gives us exactly what we need whether we know it or not.
Yesterday, I had a conversation that made me think about my favorite poem, Desiderata. It was written in the 1920's, but it's message transcends time. Each time I read it, it takes on new meaning for me.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann
He guides and inspires me every moment of the day. Just when I need it, a new light shines on my problems.
A few weeks ago, I was at a party and talked to a lady who asked me about my cancer experience and how it changed my life. I am very open about it all (obviously you know that if you read my journal!) and told her how it changed everything and mostly in a positive way. She was very nice and told me about a friend of hers who lost her battle with breast cancer. She went on to say how brave her friend was and, like me, refused to complain and would say that she is not going to "boo-hoo" about it.
Sometimes, I can't stand the belief that most people have about courage. People believe that courageous people are stoic and crying is a sign of weakness. I explained to her that it took me a while to get to the place where I am now and I did my share of "boo-hooing". And believe me, there are still times when I am tired of all this and need to do a little crying. I dare anyone to tell me that that makes me any less courageous. I believe that it is a strong person who can show emotion yet continues to get up every time he or she is knocked down. Courage is shown through actions.
I found this on a web site for inspirational cards and I love it. I think it says it all.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."--Maryanne Redmacher
And trying again tomorrow is the most courageous thing that anyone can do.
Monday, I went back to school again. It was great to be back. I had an excellent sub who kept the kids in line. They were so happy to see me. It was much better coming back this time because now I know my kids and they know my routine. It was a much easier transition.
Today is Thursday and they finally noticed the incision line on my neck. One kid said--You have something on your neck. I told him that is where the doctor fixed my neck. So another boy said--The doctor cut your neck! I said--Yes, but then he sewed it back together! They were satisfied with that. It was probably a much funnier conversation in person.
I feel great. The voice is fine and holding up in work.
The other day, I received an email about smiles. It reminded me that I had wanted to write about this topic and never did. I know that in a previous entry I wrote that I smile more now. And that is true. For a long time before I was diagnosed, I stopped smiling as much as I used to. Everything seemed like such a big deal and I just didn't smile as much.
When I was sick and being treated, I tried to smile even when I didn't feel like it. It let everyone around me know that I was OK. A smile is like a gift to those around you. It can take the worry away from those who love you, it brightens the day of strangers, and it makes you feel better about yourself when someone smiles back at you.
Now, I smile all the time. And I notice that people notice it too. Of course passing strangers will smile back. In school, I've been called "smiley" and told that my smile will be missed while I'm gone by other teachers. It is so amazing how people respond to the smile. I know it may not seem like such a big deal to everyone, but it really is a gift to others.
If anyone is interested, the web site for St. Therese is now offering daily reflection email. The link is:
Today I went to Sloan Kettering for the follow up with my surgeon. All is well, and the stitches are out. He said it was a "micro cancer" meaning very small. He does not need to see me for another six months. Next, I need to see an endocrinologist to see about thyroid medication. He seems to think that I will definitely need it.
One question I asked was if this cancer was brought on by my treatment. He said that it was purely coincidental. It would have grown and years from now I probably would have shown signs of it. It would have been a slightly bigger deal so it is very good that we found it so early.
And that's great but I really had an "Oh crap" moment today because now I have had two cancers! I mean, I understood that perfectly last week, but today it really hit me. And I really did not like it when it hit me. Sometimes I wonder if I am too calm about all this. But then I decided why be miserable, that won't get me anywhere either. So, I will do what I've been doing all along-just keep on going.
One year ago today, I had my lung biopsy. What a difference a year makes! Just felt like sharing.
This weekend, I had my first sleep-over with my nephew Andrew. We had a lot of fun. He was such a big boy-he wanted to sleep in "Antonio's bed" (the bed my cousin from Italy slept in). We walked to the stables and saw the horses, went to the park, went shopping, played games, and went for a little nature walk in my yard. He also found my refrigerator with the freezer on the bottom very convenient because he was able to help him self to the "Dibs" ice cream balls. He enjoyed himself so much that he wanted to stay another night!
After much thought and discussion with family and friends, I have decided to have my surgery as soon as possible and not wait until the summer. I want to get this over and go on with my life. I always put work and my students before myself. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that nothing will fall completely apart without me. I need to take care of myself first.
So, the date is April 18th which is the Tuesday right after Easter. I'm happy because we have that week off from school. If it is a four week recovery then I will only be out of work for three weeks. I feel very relieved now that I have scheduled it.
Yesterday in church, the priest gave a good homily that I really related to. He spoke about a difficult time in his life when he broke both his legs and endured many months of recovery. When he broke his legs, he had to have surgery. He explained that had this happened just decades before, they would not have been able to help him. He most likely would never have walked again. The interesting part of the story is that he saved his casts. His reason for this was to always remember the gift of walking again that God has given him.
When I first began to "stock up" on the essentials that I needed during my treatment-wig, bandanas, hats, etc...-I was sure that I would relish the day when I could throw them out in the trash. Now I find myself, almost four months (wow!) post treatment, and I have not thrown any of it away. As a matter of fact, I consider them to be very dear to me. During yesterday's homily, I finally understood why. Those items which at first symbolized my disease and my struggle now were symbols of what has been accomplished over this past year. I always think about the fact that if I had this disease only decades ago, I would surely have died. Through the grace of God, I have come through this alive and well, maybe even healthier than I have been in years! So, I will keep these items to always remind me of how lucky I am and how God brought me through this difficult time in my life.
On the lighter side-this past Wednesday I had my first haircut in 11 months!! It's very exciting. My hair was not that long, but it needed shaping. My stylist was very happy to see me. He said that the back and sides are back to my normal length and that in a few weeks, my top will be also. So now I actually have a hair style again!
Wow, I haven't written in a while. I miss writing and there are things I still want to write about but there isn't as much time now that I am back to work. By the way, work is still very good. I am enjoying it very much! I am not tired from it at all.
Anyway, I wanted to write about humor. Last Friday, we had staff development day. (No kids, all the teachers in my district gather in one place for workshops, speakers, etc...) So I saw some teachers that I have worked with that aren't in my school. One teacher friend who I have been emailing about my condition asked how many kids are in my class. I told her 16 (very big for a special ed class). She said-Don't you want to pull your hair out? I responded-Since it is just growing in-no! I thought that was funny, but I think she felt badly for putting it that way to me. I told her not to worry, it's just my sense of humor. Humor is OK--if someone with cancer cracks a joke it is OK to laugh. I don't advise someone else to make jokes about it. But I think it is good when a person with an illness sees humor. I think it helps mentally.
There is a site called gotcancer.org with shirts that have funny sayings. These are some of my favorites:
I have chemo-brain, what's your excuse?
Instant Survivor-Just Add Chemo
I love the smell of chemo in the morning.
My oncologist is better than your oncologist!
These are some of the things that crack me up. Maybe I've lost it, but I think it's a good thing.
Today, Steve and I attended a brunch given by the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for those of us who raised over $1,000 in the Light the Night walk. It was very nice. There was good food and some speeches. I received a certificate for being in the "Bright Lights" club. The day of the walk, they had taken my picture. I found out today that they are using those pictures by sending them to Washington, DC as part of a campaign for more funding. They call it "The Faces of Blood Cancers." So my face is going to Washington, imagine that.
A speaker told a story that I liked very much. A man had two sons. One was an optimist and one was a pessimist. One day, he decided to teach them both a lesson. He put his pessimistic son in a room with every toy imaginable figuring that this would make him happy. He put his optimistic son in a room full of manure and some tools to show him that life isn't always so great. When he went in the room to see how his pessimistic son was doing, he found that he was crying. When he asked him why he was crying, the son replied that he believed that if he chose a toy to play with, someone might come and steal the other toys. The father left, just shaking his head. He then went into the room of the optimistic son and found him digging away at the pile of manure. He asked him why he was digging. This son replied-with all this manure there must be a pony in here somewhere! The speaker then concluded that this is what we must do-keep digging until we find a cure.
This year's walk is scheduled for October 7th. I plan to do it again. We could always use more members on Team Jackiepie!
My sister Patricia asked me if I wanted to go ice skating with Peter this weekend. At first I thought about the cleaning and laundry I should do. (Now that I am back to work, I don't have the time to do it during the week.) Then I thought about what is more important. Will my nephew care about how clean my house is or the time we spend together? And I have been wanting to go ice skating for a long time. I always loved to skate, and I think it has been about ten years since the last time I went skating. So, it didn't take me long to decide to go ice skating. There is an arena very close to my house, and I had never been there. Peter and I had a great time, and Patricia, Steve, and Andrew came later to watch us. And guess what? I was able to do my cleaning and laundry as well. I had so much fun that I think I may start to go ice skating myself on a regular basis. It's good exercise and I really enjoy it.
So many times we get wrapped up in what we think is important. That's OK, but don't forget to enjoy life also. In the past, I would save the best for last. Not anymore. I try to do what I want when I want to do it. I don't neglect what needs to be done, but I also try to do things that will make me happy. When I feel guilty about it, I tell myself that I am worth it. Eat dessert first, have fun, and be happy. Tomorrow is promised to no one.
I can't believe that this day finally happened. I went back to work today. I had a very good day. Actually, I did not do much-mostly I observed the substitute and the kids. The sub will stay with me one more day, then Thursday they will be all mine! The kids are really cute. They seem to like me. Everyone is asking me if I am tired. Really, I am not. I had plenty of energy all day. I'm starting to get a little sleepy from waking up early, but that is good because I know I'll get a good night's rest. It's a little strange to be back, but soon it will feel like I never left.
That's all for now-I've got to get ready for work tomorrow you know! :)
