So, why me?

I don't think that I have really asked the question, "Why me?"  Maybe I have in the beginning, but I can't really remember.  But it's a valid question.  The only answer I can come with is, why not?  People get sick.  It's not a punishment, just a fact of life.  Sometimes I think that I face challenges to help other people somehow.  This is definitely a life-changing experience and I am trying to come away from it a better person.

Believe me, if I could turn back time and choose to not have Hodgkins, I would.  But, I am using this as an opportunity to do things that I did not have time to do.  Because my mind is not occupied with work, I come up with all sorts of ideas.  Steve says I have the "third eye."  The best thing that I have learned to do is crochet.  I have always wanted to learn how.  Patricia taught me how along with a lady from her office.  Now I am crocheting all the time.  It's the perfect hobby for days when I am too tired to get off the couch.  Of course, I have more time to read.  And, I actually wrote a children's book.  Now I just have to look into getting it published.

The effects of the medication has given me a new perspective of the children that I teach.  Sometimes, my short term memory is very bad after chemo.  I will try to recall the name of something and I can't.  The harder I try, the more my mind shuts down.  This must be how it feels to have a learning disability.  So many times my students are in this same situation, and now I can really understand how hard it is for them.  The prednisone makes me hyper sometimes.  I feel like I have ADD.  I go from one task to another without completing any, and the littlest things distract me.  This is SO unlike me.  I have had the unique opportunity to walk in my students' shoes.  And I am lucky to know that it is not permanent for me.  I wonder how this new understanding will effect my teaching.  I have always been a patient person.  I am sure I will be even more so now.

In the beginning I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things that I could not do because of Hodgkin's and my treatment.  Now I think about all the possibilities that this time has given me.  So instead of wondering "why me?" I am trying to consider this time as a rare gift.  It's a time to learn new things, regroup, and come back better and stronger.

I am loved:)

I live a quiet life.  I've always been a quiet and shy kind of person who had a few close friends rather than large groups of friends.  So it was pretty amazing to see how many people reached out to me from different stages of my life from childhood to present.  I know I have the best family and friends.  I know that I have touched many lives along the way.  But I never had the time to stop and think about it.  And I guess I never realized how many people cared.  Having Hodgkin's has given me a chance to see all this-it is much like being George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life".  I can't believe how many people have found out about me directly and "through the grapevine" and have reached out through cards, phone calls, and emails.  People that I haven't seen in years have contacted me.  Friends from work and church sent so many cards and gifts, it was truely too generous.  And my family and closest friends treat me like a fragile piece of china so that I don't do anything that may get me sick and delay my treatment.  (They are really spoiling me!)  All these things are what help me carry on and get better.

My very first chemotherapy treatment, my nurse Tikki and I were talking.  Steve and Andrea were there, of course.  I explained how my sisters and Steve were handling everything.  I told her that Andrea was sleeping over that night in case of anything.  I told her that my best friend, Chris, was putting her daughter in daycare the next day to stay with me while Steve went to work to be with me after my first treatment.  After telling her all this she said, "You are well loved!"  I smiled and said, "I know."

St. Therese

So, how has St. Therese inspired me?  It is a story that you will either believe if you have faith or think it's crazy if you don't have faith.  Everything can be chalked up to coincidence, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if one is open to signs, one will see them.

Anyway, St. Therese is a saint that I had not known anything about.  The first I heard of her was five years ago.  Steve and I had gone to visit an aunt (who also happens to be his Godmother) that he had not seen since he was a young child because she lost track of his family after the death of her husband.  Steve brought her a bouquet of flowers.  When she received them, she said, "There is the rose, St. Therese!"  I thought nothing of it, but always remembered it.

Over the years, I have prayed to many patron saints for various intercessions.  But, ever since I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's, it is almost as if this special saint has been trying to get my attention.  First, there was an email prayer chain to St. Therese.  I didn't think much of it, but I passed it on because I remembered how devoted Steve's aunt is to her.  Then one day at my mother's house, she gave me a tiny statue of her that had come in the mail.  Weeks later, I asked her why she gave it to me.  Did she know anything about the saint or have a special devotion to her?  My mother doesn't even remember giving it to me and knows nothing about St. Therese.  Then there are the roses.  St. Therse was a cloistered nun who only lived to age 24.  She promised after her death to perform miracles on Earth, and would make herself known by the showering of roses.  Steve had planted many rose bushes in our yard, but we never really get any roses because of the animals (the chipmunks eat the buds!).  This year, every rose bush had produced roses and some of them are thriving!  Bushes made roses that we had even fogotten the color of.  Coincidence?  Maybe, but I don't think so.  A couple of weeks ago, all my roses were suddenly gone.  I was sad, and asked St. Therese to send more so that I knew it was not a coincidence.  A few days later, at my friend Chris' child's birthday party, her sister-in-law (who doesn't even get along with her too well) came in the yard and plopped a vase full of the most beautiful roses on the buffet table.  The next day, I noticed that two rose bushes, the lowest ones that produced the fewest roses because the animals did get to those, each had produced a rose.

Of course, Steve's aunt sent me a St. Therese healing mass card.  I was so intrigued by this saint that I read her autobiography.  She is not the patron saint of cancer or of the sick.  She is the patron saint of the missionaries.  But her goal is to shower miracles on the Earth and save souls by bringing them closer to Jesus.  If you would like to read more about this saint, her story can be found on her website, The Society of the Little Flower, posted under the favorite websites of this blog.

Test Results

I repeated my PET scan and CT scan on Thursday and discussed the results with my doctor yesterday.  I have shown much improvement.  According to the reports, areas outside the lungs that previously showed activity have been resolved.  There is very low grade activity in my lungs.  (Activity shows where the cancer is.) He actually believes that this might be a false positive and that it is even better than what the scan shows.  So he is going to have me repeat the PET scan after the 6th cycle and compare it to this one. He did not lower the dosage of the chemotherapy. But I am ok with that because I am tolerating it well and I want to WIPE THIS OUT!  So basically, it is almost all gone.  The only thing is that now they see there is a small calcified nodule on my thyroid gland in my neck.  He is having me go for an ultrasound next week, but he is not alarmed.  He believes it is probably a benign tumor.  Overall, he gave me an A-minus.  A very good grade!

Hospital Stays

At this point I have completed 4 out of 8 cycles.  During cycles 1 and 3, I had to be hospitalized.  One of the chemotherapy medications on day 8 has side effects of fevers and low blood pressure.  During these two cycles, I spiked fevers at home (as high as 103.5) that very night.  Also, my blood pressure dropped to about 70 over 30.  Not a nice feeling!

At Sloan, they take no chances.  They treat all fevers as an infection.  So during these cycles I was admitted to the hospital.  The first stay was 5 days, the second was 6 days.  When this happens, my white blood cell count drops to almost nothing-(.2).  They will not release me until it comes up again.  That takes almost a week.  So while I am there, I get IV fluids and antibiotics the whole time.  But after the first night, I have no more fever and I feel fine.

If you must stay in a hospital, Sloan is a wonderful place to be.  They cannot do enough for you and your family.  My first night there, Steve and Andrea slept in the room with me.  They brought them a chair that turns into a bed.  I felt so bad for them because they looked worse than me that morning.

While I am there, I go to the recreation room.  They have crafts, pool table, a library, and a balcony.  I happened to be there on my birthday during my 2nd stay.  They actually made it a very nice day for me.  In the morning, I made a stained glass cross.  I learned to solder which was really cool.  In the afternoon, I went to a "Look Good, Feel Good" workshop.  Someone from Clinique was there giving a demonstration about applying makeup  especially for cancer patients.  We each received a big box of high-end cosmetics.  My sister Andrea and my mother came with brownies.  (Of course, Steve was there).  My nieghbor, V, visted me also.  That night, the nurses showed up with an ice cream cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to me.  So it turned out to be a very nice birthday for being in the hospital.

 

Chemotherapy

I had my first chemotherapy treament on April 25.  I am on an escalated BEACOPP.  It is a 21 day cycle.  I have IV chemo on days 1 & 8.  During the first two weeks I take a lot of oral medications (chemotherapy, prednizone, preventive medicines,...).  I also have injections of aranesp (red blood cells)  and nulasta (white blood cells).  The third week I am only on preventive medicines.  In the beginning of each cycle I take 25 pills a day, at the end just 4 a day.

I was very scared the first time.  You hear so many terrible things about chemotherapy.  But what choice is there?  I have to do it.  Today's medicine is so wonderful, they give you plenty of medication to avoid getting sick.  Thank God, the worst that I feel after treatments is very tired.  I can handle that.  I am so happy that I do not vomit from this.  The most unpleasant side effect for me is hot flashes and night sweats.  I hate them because they disturb my sleep.  But it is still better than vomitting.  Other side effects I've had are a metallic taste, coated tongue, weakness in my hands, and being a little forgetful.  But nothing too the extreme.  Most of the time I feel pretty normal.  People ask me if I am an invalid.  No!  I can function quite well.  I am even starting to exercise lightly again so I am more than pleased.  The best part is that my breathing is great.  I can feel the chemo working.

Steve takes me to all my treatments and Andrea comes with us most every time also.  It's like I have two body guards.  It's a long boring day of waiting.  Waiting to see Dr. M, waiting for the medicine to come up from the pharmacy, waiting my turn, then waiting for the treatment to finish.  And here we are in NY where there is all this great food, and all I want to do is go home after I'm done.  Poor Steve and Andrea look at me with sad faces and say-it's all about you Jack.  They take very good care of me, and make my chemo days bearable and amusing.

What Cancer Can't Do

What Cancer Can't Do

Cancer is so limited

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot erode faith

It cannot eat away peace

It cannot destroy confidence

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot shut out memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot reduce eternal life

It cannot quench the spirit

It cannot lesson the power of the resurrection

                                                                   Author Unknown